My friend and I are great swimmers. whenever we hangout we’re most likely going to go swimming. One day on our way to the pool, we were talking about what we want to do on the diving boards. As we pull into the parking lot, we see approximately six little girls running into the rec center wearing green coveralls and a gas mask.
“Not to worry folks, those are just dancers,” a polite man reassures us.
“Give it up for the Mini Monkeys!”
“Isnt this show great,” my mom exclaimed.
“Ya, just great” I murmur.
Your second sentence needs a capital. Also, it gets confusing because I thought you where going swimming and now you're watching a dance, so you might want to clear that up. Great job though!
ReplyDeleteWow! I like how you used this weeks prompt, I also liked how you made it sound like you could really relate to the story! Though your secind sentence needs a capital, and I think you could use some more powerful words, cause I only saw murmur as a good substitute for said.
ReplyDeleteIn all it a great story, and I think you have a good chance at making it in this week!
Your story is great. You are missing a few capitals and like Puga Chan said you could add more powerful words. At the end it gets kinda confusing, I thought you were going to the pool not a dance recital.
ReplyDeleteGreat story I have no feed back sorry :(
ReplyDeleteWell done this week. I can tell you have spent the time editing and revising your work as it shows int eh quality of your writing. Great job paying attention to the proper punctuation when using dialogue.
ReplyDeletegood job on your story, though I kind of got confused on the part where the mom says "isn't this show great." did they go to the little girls concert or something? By the way, when the mom says "isn't this show great," I think there is suppose to be a question mark there, so it's like "isn't this show great?"
ReplyDelete