Wednesday 18 May 2016
It was a dark and stormy night. The sounds of rain actually sounded way more peaceful then complete silence. Until I heard thunder… My two favourite things, thunder and rain, I got out of my green pyjamas and got into my orange rain suit. Running outside splashing in all the puddles I jumped into the deepest puddle and swam/relaxed in it.The rain kept on pouring harder and harder until I had to go in because it was pelting my body and face way to hard. I may have got in trouble the next day but it sure was worth it.
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Your story is very creative. On your third line when you said " My two favourite things, thunder and rain, I got out of my green pyjamas". You should have a period after rain, not a comma. Also, I don't think you need to say "Swam/relaxed". I think you should add one, not both. Great story, but read it out loud to catch any mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI like the originality of your story, pelting was a very good word to use in you sentence! In your sixth sentence you need a comma after the word pouring. Also in your last sentence you need a comma after the word day.
ReplyDeleteI got confused at the swimming part because puddels generaly aren't deep enough to swim in.
ReplyDeleteGood story! I'm a little confused on the swimming part. Also, when writing a story you usually don't put '/' you could say ' I swam and relaxed' instead.
ReplyDeleteGood start but I also agree with Soccer Lover about the swimming part of your story. otherwise it's a good start.
ReplyDeleteHow deep can the puddle be if you can swim in it? WHen you say rain and thunder is your favourite thing are you being sarcastic? You also have a story that has 25 words! That's a fourth of your story. PUt some periods in there.
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